FEATURE FRIDAY

I’M MARRIED BUT I’M STILL IN LOVE WITH MY EX. HELP!

FeatureFriday

Hello guys, it’s Feature Friday! Every Friday I would be sharing a real life experience and situation of a reader who needs my opinion. If you have a situation that you need my opinion on, email me on featurefriday@alocovivavoce.com.

Read the situation and my opinion after the cut. The names have been changed to protect the identity of the person being featured. Enjoy!

Hello OUR,

Greetings to you and thank you for this opportunity you have created for people like me to be able to share our burdens and also get counseled whilst remaining anonymous.

My name is Assumpta and I am in a REALLY BAD PICKLE! Before now, I dated a guy named Ugonna for a very long time. He was my childhood friend and also my everything – my companion and my VERY FIRST KISS.

We were there for each other in good and bad times. Even when he was dead broke, I was there to support and encourage him. Words cannot describe what we shared yet we never even had sex as I was saving myself until after marriage. So what Ugonna and I shared was beyond physical pleasures and attraction.

Three years ago, Ugonna and I kind of lost touch as he went away to hustle for better days and that was when I met Elvis. Elvis is a nice, sweet guy and he has been very good to me. He came around at the right time and filled the void that Ugonna left when we lost touch.

After three years of dating, Elvis asked me to marry him and then shortly after, Ugonna came back into my life and also asked me to marry him and that is where the problem began.

My first thought was YES, I would marry you (Ugonna). After all, I love this guy and we share so much history together. So yes, I would marry him at the twinkle of an eye.

Luckily for me, my family didn’t know about Elvis yet so it was easier to just tell them I was engaged to Ugonna and not Elvis but after they met Ugonna, it was another ball game.

Ugonna and I are from the same town but different villages so my parents and siblings simply did not approve of him just for that singular reason.

By the way, we are in no way related or our forefathers related but my parents for reasons best known to them felt I should not marry someone from the same town as me.

Although saddened, I held my ground and insisted on marrying him and decided I had to break the bad news to Elvis and that pretty up opened up another chapter in this book – my life.

After dropping the bomb on Elvis, he said nothing to me, got up, went to the trunk of his car, picked up hydraulics, opened it and was about to drink it before I jumped on him and snatched it away from him. Like that was not enough, he then ran into the house and picked up a bottle of DETTOL and tried to drink it. Luckily enough, I caught up with him and stopped him before he actually drank it. Then he pleaded with me with tears in his eyes and told me how much I meant to him and how he simply would rather die than live a day without me.

So my parents did not approve of Ugonna and my boyfriend threatened to commit suicide if I leave him. Sigh!

After careful consideration and deliberation, I came to the final conclusion that Elvis is the better choice for me. After all I actually do love him and I figured if Ugonna had stuck around and kept in touch all those years then I wouldn’t have even met Elvis in the first place. So it is his loss. Elvis is a great guy and he is really good to me and since my parents approve of him, I went ahead and married him.

So here I am, married to this amazing man for 2 months now but for some weird reason, I cannot stop thinking about my ex, Ugonna!

Even though I didn’t end up marrying him, he is still very much a part of my life. We talk on the phone everyday and even my husband has come to the realization that I cannot forget Ugonna in a rush.

This is why I am writing to you OUR. I AM STILL VERY MUCH IN LOVE WITH MY EX and I can’t seem to get over him. What do I do? Not that I do not love my husband because I do. He is a great guy! But… what I share with Ugonna is a real bond and it really annoys me that his only offense with my parents was that he was from the same town as me.

So who do I really belong with? Ugonna or Elvis? Please help me figure this out.

REPLY:

Hello Assumpta,

Wow! This is ONE BIG PICKLE! And I honestly don’t know where to start. But here goes..

Firstly, I am a very spiritual person and I believe that the devil is constantly waiting for that moment when he sees we are finally moving in the right direction God has ordained for us and then BOOM! He distracts us! And unfortunately most of us if not all of us tend to fall for that distraction.

Let me put it to you this way. After Ugonna went away and lost touch with you, why didn’t he come back after a year or two? Why did he have to come back THREE YEARS LATER after you had just recently gotten engaged to someone else?

Do you really think it is a coincidence?

Going by my spirituality, I would say that the devil had seen how you were finally putting your life in order and also seen how much of a blessing your union with Elvis would be and then he sent a distraction to derail you from the right path and unfortunately, that distraction is named Ugonna.

My philosophy in life is “Everything happens for a reason” and “Nothing on Earth (good or bad) happens without God’s permission”.

In other words, there is a reason Elvis was sent to you after Ugonna left. You could have met a John or a Joseph but instead you met Elvis. And until you figure out what the purpose of your union is, DO NOT LET HIM GO!

I know it will be tough but you must forget about Ugonna. Keeping in touch with him will keep bringing back thoughts of what might have been and that is not healthy for your marriage.

Imagine you leave Elvis for Ugonna and you still don’t end up together. You would wonder for the rest of your life how your life would have turned out if you hadn’t left. Or imagine you end up cheating on Elvis with Ugonna (which would probably happen if you keep Ugonna in your life) and then Elvis finds out and you get divorced but still don’t end up with Ugonna. Do you really think you can handle losing from both sides?

Like you said, Elvis is a great guy. Good guys are rare to find. So if you have a great one, focus on making new history with him and forget about what could have been with someone else.

Above all, always remember the 80/20 rule that states “The most you can ever get out of a relationship is 80% but most people leave 80% thinking they are getting something better and end up with only 20%”. And of course they regret that decision for the rest of their life.

I honestly believe IT WAS NOT MEANT TO BE between you and Ugonna if not, it would have been. And you must believe God had a reason for that. Sooner than later, you will figure it all out. Until then, sit back relax and keep loving your husband.

I really hope I have helped you with your dilemma. I wish you all the best!

Feel free to comment and share your opinion and suggestions.

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PS: Words are an expression of opinion; WRITING is SPEAKING!

-OUR

Categories: FEATURE FRIDAY

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22 replies »

  1. I debated not saying anything because I don’t want to be insensitive… But the point of this post was to get the readers opinion so here goes…

    It is normal for guys to want you more when you seem unavailable so i am not surprised Ugonna proposed. Also whatever reasons Ugonna had for not keeping in touch is not clear from the post. I hope she did that. It would be unfortunate if she was agonizing over whom to chose if Ugonna simply didn’t care to keep in touch for 3 years.

    Most importantly, I don’t care for the fact that Elvis tried to kill himself. No offense to the person in this situation, but no one human being is worth killing yourself for. This makes me think he either doesn’t care about his life or he was manipulating her. If he doesn’t care about his life, I don’t see how he would care about hers or any kids they eventually have, and if he was manipulating her…

    Just a note of warning to everyone out there, DO NOT think it is romantic if someone says they will kill themselves if you leave them. Suicide is not a joke!!!!!!!! Please please be with people that value and respect their lives. The homicide suicide stories are real people.

    Finally girl don’t have people tell you who to be with. Don’t expect people like me and other readers you don’t know you decide such an important part of your life. Look inside your heart and decide who makes you happier. You can be married, or you can be happily married. Forget what society think about divorce, decide who makes you happy and go for it. Anything other than that is unfair to all the parties involved.

    If my response was in anyway harsh or insensitive, it’s because I truly believe this life is worth living well and we should all do what makes us happy. Life can also be stressful, no need to get stressed out for people or things that do not deserve your time.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Lydia for this very blunt comment. You honestly don’t need to apologise for your opinion. Yes you were blunt but it needed to be said. It’s called “constructive criticism”.

      And touchè with the suicidal talk. The whole attempted suicide is actually a lot more scary than romantic and definitely not good scary. More like “freak” scary. But o well! It might still be his way of expressing his undying love for her.

      Like I said, I really don’t think Ugonna is really all for her. A part of him is probably more interested in the chase. There is a huge possibility that he probably would still not have gotten back in touch with her if she hadn’t gotten engaged with someone else.

      I really hope she figures this one out. Shes got a big decision to make. Good luck Assumpta!

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      • You’re right my dear, he’s probably after the chase, and it would not be smart to risk her marriage for him.
        However, I still think the bigger problem that she doesn’t appear to be fully committed to making her marriage work. That’s why I think she needs to first decide if she wants to stay with her husband. If she doesn’t want her husband, it is Ugonna today, and who knows who else tomorrow.

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        • Lol Lydia @ who else tomorrow. Sometimes we inflict unnecessary and avoidable issues on ourselves.

          As a married woman or man, it is never advisable to get too close to a single person of the opposite sex for obvious reason.

          So her talking to Ugonna at least everyday is BAD. I bet if she stopped talking to him, HE would forget her like he did before. She’s probably just hung on the dreamy thought of what might have been. Sad! Let’s just hope it ends with Ugonna.

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    • well said. I dont have anything else to add.

      FYI- if you are ever in doubt about two people, your love for either of them is not strong enuf so please release your self. True love casts aways fears (AND DOUBT). Becuz when you really love someone, you will explore all reason to be with them.

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      • VERY TRUE Larz! Thank you for this comment. People really need to understand that love really is blind. That is, if you truly love someone, there would not be a hint of doubt and even if there were, you would come up with every reason why you should believe.

        I really hope Assumpta figures herself out and makes a decision and sticks to it.

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  2. Wow! This is deep!
    First off OUR I love your site and your posts!

    Hi Assumpta! I honestly think you should start by praying for direction and the spirit of discernment. You say your husband is amazing but you are still hung up on ugonna, Why? What is it that ugonna does/did that your husband can’t do or hasn’t done for you?
    I understand that you are attached to ugonna because he was your first kiss and you were undeniably close and you were there through thick and thin for each other but my dear it’s time to move on.
    This guy disappeared on you for 3 years to hustle and then suddenly reappears when you’re about to get married to someone else, who was there for you, and you considered taking him back? Before he left did he make a promise to come back to be with you? Was there any contact whatsoever when he was away?
    Also if your bond was soo strong and you were dating for years(I imagine) then didn’t your parents know about him?
    Assumpta you were with Ugonna when he had nothing, and he left you for 3 years. A man who wants you will make an effort to keep you, with our without anything. He will make his intentions known to you and your family. If they had refused him, then that would have been another story. Did ugonna expect you to put your life on hold for him while he was away? If he did then he’s a very selfish person. Also how are you sure ugonna is still the same person you dated/fell in love with? You know how they say money changes people…Do you still have the same values, can you cope with his new dreams and aspirations, can he cope with yours?

    My dear assumpta it seems like you are hung up on the idea of actually being with ugonna, since it’s what you’ve always wanted. You are a married woman now, you made your decision so ply stay away from Ugonna! Cut off all communication from him. I personally don’t think ugonna respects you, your husband or your marriage because if he did he will accept your decision no matter how much it hurts, and will also limit his communication with you (but then again you have given room for it). Like OUR said, this constant communication is only giving room for dodgy business. If anything happens, the story will change and you’ll end up losing both men and your self respect. Do not use your hands to destroy a good thing, but rather ask God to show you how to love your husband better and to help you get over ugonna. I’m sure your parents were against the union for a good reason, ask God to open your eyes to what you’ve been blinded to. Love and pray for ugonna from afar like “he did” for you when he was busy hustling. Focus on your home and your marriage, your husband tried to kill himself when you told him you were going to marry ugonna, aren’t you scared he’ll do something worse if you now leave him for the same ugonna?

    Sorry for the long story, but it’s my own two cents. I really wish you all the best assumpta! Stay blessed!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you tasha for your comment and compliment. I’m glad my effort goes appreciated.

      About Assumpta, like you said, she really needs to pray to God on this one. He is probably the only one that can reveal certain things to her and help her through this predicament.

      As for the whole wanting Ugonna, shes simply being human and we humans always want what we don’t have. But like I said in my response to her, “if it was meant to be with Ugonna, it would have been”. Even her parents or boko haram wouldn’t have been able to stop it.

      I really do hope she makes the right decision and does the right thing so she doesn’t live in regret for the rest of her life.

      Like

  3. I totally agree with the reply alocovivavoce gave you…everything happens for a reason,forget the fact that your parent stop you guys from getting married,God knows our future because He has seen it already,many times we are blinded by what we call love,think about marring ugonna,And in 10yrs time he lose touch with you again..my dear God has a purpose for u with Elvis,concerntrate with you husband,less you fall into the sin of adult to..

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    • You are so right Dami. She better focus on her husband otherwise she will end up committing adultery and Ugonna might not even want her anymore after that. Who knows?

      After all, if reverse were the case, would Ugonna leave his wife for her? She needs to think about that in order to make the right decision.

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  4. @ Lydia, ur comments are soo blunt; No person is worth dying for; however, I think Assumpta Got married for the wrong reasons”Self Pity” in as much as am not a Fan of Divorce… somethings can be corrected; wish her all d best!!!

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    • Thanks for your comment Vivien. I agree with you that Lydia’s comment was quite blunt but it goes to show you how deep the issue at hand is and she unequivocally stated her take.

      If Assumpta really got married out of self pity like you suggest, then I think it’s best she gets her marriage annulled under the grounds of it being a mistake. Because it seems like she really bit more than she can chew and got guilt tripped into marrying Elvis.

      If that’s the case and she actually got manipulated then Elvis is not the Saint he claims to be. And that is a huge problem. It’s not too late to get out while she still can.

      Like

  5. Hi Our,i have a story to share with u,pls were do i go to as to share it.waiting for ur reply thnks.

    Like

    • And many thanks in return for reading manttus. I really do appreciate you taking out time to read and also comment on my post. I really do appreciate it. Thanks a lot and stay tuned for more 🙂

      Like

  6. Hi there! This post couldn’t be written much better! Looking at this post reminds me of my previous roommate! He constantly kept preaching about this. I will send this post to him. Pretty sure he will have a great read. Many thanks for sharing!|

    Like

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