FEATURE FRIDAY

MY MOTHER-IN-LAW IS DEAD AND I DON’T FEEL SAD. HELP!

FeatureFriday

Hello guys, it’s Feature Friday! Every Friday I would be sharing a real life experience and situation of a reader who needs my opinion. If you have a situation that you need my opinion on, email me on featurefriday@alocovivavoce.com.

Read the situation and my opinion after the cut. The names have been changed to protect the identity of the person being featured. Enjoy!

Hello OUR,

Greetings to you! My name is Evelyn and I recently got engaged to my childhood best friend named Roland. Roland is a fantastic person. He makes me happy in every way possible and we are very much in love with each other.

Something happened quite recently that made me question my entire line of reasoning and even wonder if it is normal to have such thoughts or if it is just PLAIN EVIL.

My mother-in-law to be who was sick for a little while, suddenly died following the illness and for whatever reason, I DO NOT have any feelings in my heart whatsoever.

Even though I never got to meet her, I know how close she was to Roland and also have learned about her “bossy” personality.

It’s not like I am happy that she died but I just DO NOT FEEL ANY SADNESS in my heart  and equally do not know how to feel about her death.

My question is “Does it make me a bad person?” Is there something wrong with me? How come I don’t feel torn, broken and devastated just like Roland does? I love him so much and I want to share in his pain but how come I feel no emotion towards the death of his mother? Is this normal? Please help me!

REPLY:

Hello Evelyn,

Please do not beat yourself up about this. Yes you are in love with Roland but you must remember that Roland is not his mother. Because of how much you love Roland, one might think automatically, you would love his parents and siblings just as you love him. That is not true!

Yes, you would care for them naturally because whomever your fiancé cares about should be important to you. But it takes a bit of time for that care to grow into love.

I think the issue here is that the “care” you had for his mother never got the chance to blossom into love and that leaves you feeling the same way you would feel if some random person you know died and not the feeling of losing a loved one.

Like I said, don’t beat yourself up too much and most importantly, don’t fake the emotions. All you need do now is focus on comforting your fiance and giving him a shoulder to lean on. He needs you now more than ever.

I hope I’ve been helpful. Thanks for sharing.

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-OUR

Categories: FEATURE FRIDAY

12 replies »

  1. There’s no need to beat yourself up. It’s only natural to feel that way because you’ve not had any personal encounter with her that would endear you to her.

    May her soul RIP. Amen

    The Naija Teacher

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  2. Everyone has different levels of empathy and we are who we are. If she doesn’t feel sadness for the death of her mother-in-law then that’s who she is.
    However, I get sad when I hear anyone dies whether I was close to them or not. Plus I believe the reason lots of people champion for gay, civil and other human rights, is because they are naturally empathetic to a human being losing their life and so it’s saddens them when a gay kid commits suicide because society says he’s sick.
    So since I know people like myself are saddened by the death of people we do not know, I can’t for the life of me figure out how another human being isn’t sad when the man she supposedly loves loses his mother.
    To put that in perspective, let her imagine that when she dies, her future daughter-in-law not only doesn’t care, but sees her son in pain and still doesn’t feel sad.
    Again we are who we are. If she’s not empathetic naturally, nothing can change that so no need to stress over that.

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    • This is not fair. Reasons she might not be sad

      1) She has never met the woman
      2) she was ill a long time so subconsciously, she might feel like she is in a better place.

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  3. Oh wow! Your comment is a reality check for Evelyn. You know the truth is sometimes we don’t understand death or what it stands for until we have experienced it first hand (maybe a close relation or friend). Maybe that’s really who she is but then again a part of her is probably not sad because she’s breathing a sigh of relief as she did say her mother in law was quite bossy and most likely in control of her son. SO maybe she really isn’t sad because secretly,she’s glad that is all out of the way.

    Whatever the case may be, i’m just glad she isn’t faking it because there’s no need forcing the tears and emotions. She gets a free pass because they aren’t married yet and she hasn’t really spent time with her. Otherwise, talk about her being somewhat inhumane may arise.

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    • There is a saying I once heard that I think women should keep in mind – “If your mother-in-law needs to die so that you can enjoy your marriage, you need to die so your son can enjoy his”
      What mother isn’t a little “bossy”? So when Evelyn “bosses” her kids tomorrow, should that justify a daughter-in-law to not care about the loss?
      Mothers pray that their children marry people with good hearts, and some mothers can even tell when someone isn’t a good person. So if they never got along, knowing that Evelyn doesn’t feel sad about death, I am inclined to think it’s because the woman saw through her. No offense…

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      • Touchè to the saying. Makes a lot of sense. Although there are some mother-in-laws that are quite tough, some women don’t even try to get along with them. They just automatically assume all mother-in-laws are evil.

        As much as I believe extended families need to butt out of their relative’s marriage, one cannot really underestimate the power of a mother.

        So even though she might feel glad her mother in law is out of the picture, she really needs to be careful what she wishes for. Because she might end up realising there is a huge gap her death would cause in her fiancé’s life and let’s just hope that doesn’t put a strain on their relationship.

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  4. If am correct in reading the story. It says that you have not met your mother-in-law, you just heard about her and what you heard about her has defined what you feel towards her.
    Dear,its not actually your fault that you dn’t have feelings for her death. Would just have to say that you should comfort ur husband to me in anyway needed; because he’s the closer relative.

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    • Thank you for your comment Oge. Indeed she needs to focus on comforting her husband to be. But its probably best not to share her lack of emotions with anyone else in the family because it may come across wrongly.

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  5. Evelyn- please don’t try to be who you are not. Some people demonstrate love/ care by showing emotions, others are driven to act. I rarely get emotional or cry unless it is someone I am extremely close to. The only person I cried for is my late brother that died aged 14 after having cancer for a year. I didn’t even cry for my grandfather. However, I am Mrs Fix-It. I am the girl that will organize everyone, plan funeral, make sure those that are emotional are eating, sleeping or even forcing them to take time off if need be. I am also, the one who will be deep in thought and think about the meaning of life and do some sort of analysis. Know yourself and understand your strength and weakness. Don’t force yourself/ pretend to be who you are not. Be natural and true to yourself but also be a good person. Satisfy your own definition of good but not others. I bet in time, people will notice what makes you special. Remember empathy is not the same as compassion- compassion drives to action. We need both feel-good emotional ppl and the do-good practical pple. Love is best demonstrated where one person’s need is matched by another’s strength.

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    • The truth actually is that sometimes we can’t even control our emotions. Sometimes we want to cry but the tears can’t seem to find their way to our eyes and other times they’re uncontrollable.

      Let her just not try to force them then she’ll look like an actress. Like I said, she gets a free pass on this one.

      Liked by 1 person

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