FEATURE FRIDAY

MY HUSBAND KEEPS ME AWAY FROM MY FAMILY. HELP!

FeatureFridayHello guys, it’s Feature Friday! Every Friday I would be sharing a real life experience and situation of a reader who needs my opinion. If you have a situation that you need my opinion on, email me on featurefriday@alocovivavoce.com.

Read the situation and my opinion after the cut. The names have been changed to protect the identity of the person being featured. Enjoy!

Hello OUR,

My name is Sarah and I have been married for a year now. My husband is a Pastor and we have a lovely son together. The fact that my husband is a Pastor makes him a very wonderful and religious person which I admire so much but for whatever reason, he doesn’t like me having family around.

Let me give you some instances.

In the city we live in, I have only two family members. Both are my male cousins who are also married with a child each. One of them is quite dependable but the other one is a loner and doesn’t really like to mingle with anyone.

For the one that likes to mingle, is it a crime to visit him every now and then and have him come visit as well?

There was a time when my husband traveled for two weeks and my cousin and his wife were planning on coming to visit during this time to know our new house as we just moved.

Could you believe my husband made me blatantly lie to my cousin and his wife telling them that we traveled with him so that they would cancel their visit? Even when we go to visit them, he doesn’t let me go by myself. He insists he goes with me and doesn’t even let us stay for more than an hour before he says we have to leave.

I have asked him if there is anything wrong with that particular cousin of mine and his wife. Maybe as a Pastor, God revealed something to him that he is not telling me. But he says that there is nothing and that he just doesn’t like having people around.

Since when did my family become “people”?

Even for me to go visit my parents is an issue. I have to give him a novel of reasons why I want to go and also give him an exact date of when I would be returning which shouldn’t be more than a week except I am asking for trouble.

Over the years we dated and the one year we’ve been married, I have come to realize that he is a very authoritative person and likes to have his way with everything.

Even up to the age our son should start school, he is very bent on having his own way and making all the decisions without necessarily considering my own opinion.

As a good wife, I have tried to be understanding and tolerant but I draw the line with him trying to have his way by keeping me away from my family.

My question to you is how can I possibly manage the situation without causing any issues with him? I am a family person and I would love my son to grow up having his cousins around just like I did but he clearly isn’t a family person and would prefer to be on his own. So how can I get him to turn around without seeming like I am disrespecting my husband or going against his wish? Please help!

REPLY:

Hello Sarah,

All of these you have mentioned are the perks of getting married. Personally, I am not really a family person myself. I mean I love my mum and all but I don’t really like having people around per se but then again there is absolutely nothing wrong with visiting every now and then like you rightly said.

Clearly, before you resulted to sending in your story, you must have exhausted other options like speaking to him and trying to make him understand your plight of which all most likely proved abortive.

Now my advice to you as much as you wouldn’t like to hear it is to DO AS YOUR HUSBAND HAS SAID AND STOP RAISING FRIVOLOUS ISSUES.

To be honest with you, you most likely will not win in this situation as it will become a huge problem if he finds out you went against him and saw your cousin at his back.

It’s not like he said don’t visit. He simply said “don’t visit without him”. Even about your parents, he never said don’t visit them either. He simply said “don’t stay too long”.

In as much as these people are your family and all, you cannot under any circumstance pick them over your husband. Not even your mother. After all, it’s not like he is a bad husband or a terrible father, he just doesn’t like having people around.

Find a way to live with it and be careful not to make the wrong decision and end up causing avoidable problems in your home all because of your cousin or parents who are happily married and probably wouldn’t even do the same for you.

I hope I have been of help to you. Thanks for sharing!

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-OUR

Categories: FEATURE FRIDAY

22 replies »

    • Thanks for your comment Divyne. It’s ok to disagree with my opinion but kindly share what you think is the right step for her to take.

      Judging from the same Bible you speak of, it says that a man or woman shall leave his father and mother and cling to another.

      In the olden days, you weren’t even allowed to be a part of your original family once you get married which is why they preferred to marry from within their family. That way they don’t have to let go of each other.

      Please share the part of the Bible that says otherwise. I would honestly love to hear it.

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  1. Well,am really not married and can’t really advice you on that,but as a woman of God I know you can always change things in your home if you want to,by really praying about it,no one can change anybody but God can,keep praying and talking to God concerning that issue..

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  2. In my opinion I think the man has some reasons, probably he doesn’t want to share it just yet with you Sarah. It could also be that he’s naturally possessive, and wouldn’t want anyone coming close to ‘anything’ of his. It could also be due to some past experience (something that might have happened in his family or to someone he knows that made him resolve not to allow family into his own)
    My advice would be to encourage him to open up to you; whatever the situation is, communication is key. Make him understand that inasmuch as you love him, family is important and no man is an island. If possible schedule out visiting day/hours. With that, hopefully, his mind is settled. And try not to go against what he says because at the end of the day, he is your husband.
    Lastly, make use of technology in our fingertips. Luckily for us we are in the era of easy and fast communication. Thank God for bbm, whatsapp, Skype and FaceTime; communication made easy! In summary, do what works best for you, while taking care of your family. At all times pray to God about it; He alone knows best.
    The Naija Teacher

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    • Perfect perfect perfect advice The Naija Teacher. This is a beautiful response. You’ve said it all.

      You know how women can sometimes be very dramatic and claim to be able to handle anything brought to them but sometimes cant.

      Maybe he’s really not telling her the whole story yet. But bottom line, she should NOT dis obey her husband for whatever reason.

      He probably means well and even though she may not agree with him, she needs to handle everything with diplomacy.

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  3. My dear, marriage is a long haul and you start as you mean to go. If you relinquish all your life to a husband be prepared to continue that trend till death do you part! Note that being a Pastor does not imply that the person does not have controlling issue’s and indeed men of God have been known to abuse their wives! When you marry in our setting, the other family becomes your adopted family. You can maintain cordial relationship with them without resorting to lies and alienating them. If your husband is truly a servant of Christ then asking you to tell lies causes one to raise their eyebrows. He cannot come and cut out the people who have been in your life because he married you. You are first and foremost an individual before being his wife. You must apply prayerful wisdom because the encroachment of spousal abuse starts out first with these little things. Next will be you should stop working! I have seen this pattern in my few years of marriage counselling and as a Christian, I find it appalling when people use their misguided notion of biblical submission to lay claims to their behaviour. If he has founded and tangible reason for wanting them kept at a distance, then that’s a different matter altogether! Sit and reason with him, but caution in manner of approach.

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    • You make a very important point Jacqueline. This is probably the start of a very dangerous trend and letting him have his way now might lead to giving him absolute control over her entire life. And most people abuse such power when it’s given to them.

      Like I said in my reply, although not stated in her story, I want to believe she has actually tried speaking to him about the entire thing SEVERALLY but to no avail.

      Even though she yields to his demands, there is absolutely nothing wrong with visiting them every now and then like she rightly said.

      She really needs to practice the diplomatic act of wisdom here so she doesn’t end up ruining the relationship with both her husband and family.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Let me give an answer to Divyne, from the biblical aspect alocoviva is so right . can I give you examples ? I bet you have read about Ruth, since you know the bible, Ruth made a powerful statement which is a lesson for many young women both married or otherwise she said to her mother in-law, ” your people shall be my people and your God my God” this was even after the death of her husband. Another good example is Sarah, but I can’t go into all that now.

    For the woman, you don’t know why your husband said no, it is your duty to ask, not with a loud voice but with love, bible says, we should season our words with salt, meaning you should be SWEET even in asking, just obey him and you’ll see the reward for that. But I would like to know if this attitude is also directed towards his own family, does he stop you from visiting his own family? . Till I hear the answer, remain blessed.

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    • Preach Pearl, preach! I’m still waiting on Divyne’s response concerning the part of the Bible that says we should disrespect our husband and enforce our own opinion as women.

      And about his own family, she didn’t say anything about it but she did say that he doesn’t like having “people” around.

      I take that to mean anyone in general but she takes exception that he categories her family as the so called “people”.

      If he really doesn’t like having people around in general then that’s different from if he doesn’t like her family around.

      The latter is a serious issue and should be completely frowned upon I believe.

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  5. True ! That’s why I asked that question, if it is not a general thing, then you have to learn other ways to balance family time otherwise, its gonna be prayer counseling session for you both. Ones more good luck in you marital journey.

    Alocoviva, weldone , first time visiting your blog, its interesting, kudos!

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  6. He clearly doesn’t like visiting because your story doesn’t say he has his people around often. I don’t think it has gotten to a point where he doesn’t let you go visit if there is an occasion or your people are. So My Dear It Is NOT As Hard As You think. Maybe his demand doesn’t sound unreas on able to me because I am not a people people too. So I see can easily relate with him. I am not married and I don’t see my family more than twice a year or visit more than once and I spend just a week and in some cases less.
    If you feel the need to connect more with your people explain to him why you need to. Call them often and bond with them.
    And I hear some men complain complain that their wives put on some attitude when they visit home. Could that be your case? Communication is key.
    And to the unmarried there is no aspect of life you should not discuss with your spouse before marriage. No aspect is too big or too small. Food, feeding pattern, meal times, expenses sharing , house chores, no of children, exercise routine , health status, sex ,sex style, limits and boundaries. Who visits to help at birth. Relatives living in or not. Future projects, business, building .investment, utility bills ,mechanic and so on. It is also the best time to get a good bargain from your spouse on varying issues.

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    • Thanks for your comments Cleo. I said it in the post that I am not a people person too so his behaviour wouldn’t pose a problem to me either.

      However, since she is, she has to find a way to balance the two through phone calls and then get him to go along on the visits since that makes him more comfortable.

      And I totally agree with you about sharing everything about each other in totality so you both can have a broad idea of what you’re getting into.

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  7. Usually, I will echo what people said above. However, you also mentioned possessive and ALWAYS wanting to have his way. These to me could potential hint at early stages of what may turn into abusive relationship (esp emotional abuse). I may be wrong, but some of the early stages of an abusive rship are
    Step 1- Isolate them by cutting off that person’s support system. Keep away family and friends they can easily turn to so they are totally and solely depending on you. That means there is no one to turn to.
    Step 2: Control. With this, they might get some sort of social engagements with others under your supervision either friends you pre-approve of or in your presence. You control the time and ppl, places or things ensuring total dominance can be achieved,
    Step 3: Undermine their decision making, way they do things and self esteem. You only do what you want with no compromise even with the smallest things. If and when you do compromise, sweep in later to save the day

    Chances are that I am wrong but it is worth considering this alternate scenario. I don’t know the dynamic of your relationship but hopefully you are able to talk to him and I mean the kind of talking that you leave with your questions fully answered in words (not just by implication) as to why he doesn’t want / trust you to spend time with your family. Is there something he has noticed about you/ them or relationship with them? Above all, put it to God in prayer so that he puts the right words in your mouth and he becomes central in your marriage

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    • Thanks for your well detailed comments Laydeelarz! I think women really need to be educated on the early signs of emotional and physical abuse.

      As much as I agree with you, I can somewhat relate with her husband because like I said in my reply, I’m not really a people person either. It was actually a huge problem for me welcoming in my husband’s family but then again, I just had to.

      I didn’t feel this way because I’m a control freak or anything but simply because I was raised in a nuclear family where it was just my mum, dad, brother and myself so I got used to it.

      Now relating my personal life to that of her husband, imagine he grew up just like I did so now having extended family members around is very different for him and that’s why he doesn’t welcome it.

      However, she must watch out for those signs of abuse you mentioned. Especially if he only doesn’t want her own family or friends but welcomes his. That’s a huge problem and she needs to seek help ASAP!

      Like

      • I am not a people’s person either. I prefer to see ppl in a neutral place so I can make my excuses or leave afterwards. My husband on the other hand, loves hosting ppl but hates going out. I don’t force my views on him and he doesn’t on me either. He knows what sacrifice it takes for me to agree to hosting people. So when he invites people over, I do the minimum face time acceptable and go to our room to hang out becuz am “tired” and he backs me up. And that includes when my brother/ friends are around. We both don’t continue what we are used to but we get a midpoint between our two extreme.

        The guy doesn’t want her cousins visiting when he is not around or her visiting his family when he is not around. More importantly, he hasn’t spoken to his wide about why that is. Isn’t it easier to deal with (even if you don’t agree with him) when you know what drives his decision?

        I recently asked hubby a question recently that changed his outlook (at least so far). I said, you expect a certain level of “obedience” and blind trust from your wife but when was the last time you have done that to any living person. Even with God we sometimes don’t obey everything he asks us. He paused after that and made a stubborn “yer but I am a man” comment but I have seen some changes. When you see me as a person and not just a “wife”, you will be able to understand where I am coming. You will learn to explains decisions you make and why you are making decisions and have a dialogue for me. Once you realise the sacrifice it takes to follow another- yes the Bible might say to be submissive. But a great man/ leader makes being submissive easy for his wife and a foolish man makes it so hard that she is either fearful or him or rebellious. They are newly married, there will be loads of questions and if dealt with properly, they will eventually no explanations will be needed because they will know each other so well and grow better together that each will have a greater understanding of the other more than they do themselves. Thats when the joys of true partnership can be enjoyed

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        • I actually agree with you that rather than agree blindly, he needs to give her a viable reason for his decision. Even if she doesn’t agree with it, at least he respects and honours her enough to provide an explanation.

          I really hate it when men go “I just want it like that, no reason”. And then they really expect you to follow suit. Part of the perks of marriage. Too bad though.

          Communication like you said is very important and compromise as well. As much as you want certain things done your way, you should also be able to accept other things your partner wants as well. That’s love I guess and that’s how to keep a home; compromise from both sides.

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  8. Reblogged this on A Loco Viva Voce and commented:

    Hello people, it’s THROWBACK THURSDAY. Every Thursday, I will be reblogging a post from the blog’s archives to give new readers a chance to catch up on posts they missed.

    Today’s post is a Feature Friday story about a woman whose husband keeps her away from her family.

    Read, Share and Enjoy!

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  9. my husband did the same thing, then became physical with myself and my children. That’s when I left and lawyer-ed up, plus a Emergency Protective order. You’re not cattle, or a sofa couch, you are a person and not property! He should learn that happy wife = a happy life. And respect you as a PERSON and his WIFE. I would tell him some chosen words, but that’s me. Tell him you respect his opinion, but as a FREE THINKING INDIVIDUAL and an ADULT that you can and will make good choice decisions regarding yourself and your child. You wanna see your family that’s completely NORMAL. You are not a child or a slave. You don’t need permission to live your life. It’s your family, your not asking permission to go smoke crack. He needs to not be a NAZI and get over his dominatrix view on life.
    If he doesn’t like it, he can stay home with his miserable self. Never give in. He might as well be a domestic Terrorist. Trying to control you.

    Like

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